A Conversation With A Kitchen Drawer

You know what drawer I'm talking about

Photo by Tayla Kohler on Unsplash

If you’re anything like me, your junk drawer in your kitchen is like a jack-in-the-box. You open it and all kinds of things pop up. You close it and….well, you find you kind of can’t close it. It’s the most irritating—

Kitchen drawer: Excuse me.

Me: Who said that?

KD: I did. Your kitchen drawer. If you don’t mind, I’d like to have a word with you.

Me: Gosh. I didn’t know you could talk!

KD: There are a lot of things you don’t know. Such as how to clean out a junk drawer once every, oh, say, lifetime.

Me: I do too clean it out.

KD: Right. When you move.

Me: (an implicating silence)

KD: Now. Let’s have a look at what you have in me, shall we?

Me: I think I know what’s in you.

KD: And I think you have no idea. Okay? I’d bet on it, in fact. You want to bet five dollars?

Me: What are you going to do with five dollars?

KD: Keep it stuffed in one of my corners, like lots of other things in here. But just give me a minute of your time, I’m trying to help you.

Me: Fine. But don’t tell anyone we talked. They might think I’m weird. Weirder.

KD: Deal. Pull up a chair, why don’t you, and let’s just have a look at what’s in here.

Here’s a scrap of paper on which you wrote the email address of someone you want to have for dinner. Here, on another scrap of paper, are ideas for the book you’re writing. Now, tell me the truth. Can you READ these notes?

Me: (peering closely) Um.

KD: I thought not. Let’s move on. Here we have a pair of scissors that don’t work. Here, a lone rubber band. Here is a Ruth Bader coin purse in which are extra keys for your house.

Me: Oh, good! I’ve been looking for that!

KD: And you couldn’t find it beacause it is covered up with approximately fifteen pounds of scrap paper. Plus a single dollar bill, reason for it being here unclear. Here’s a perfume sample strip from a magazine that lost its scent about five hundred years ago. Plus, you never bought the perfume, but never mind.

Here is a post it with a reminder for you to do something you already did. A few cloths for cleaning your glasses, which you never use, which is why you can never see out of your glasses. Not judging, it’s just a fact.

Oh, look, here’s an empty package that had batteries in it. But it’s empty now. Useless, wouldn’t you say, unless you perhaps admired the artwork on the package?

Here’s an allen wrench. Which you don’t know how to use. Here’s a spool of white thread, and oh, look! Here’s a spool of BLACK thread!

Here are matches, Kleenex, Scotch tape, a tiny bottle of bubbles you got from your five-year old grandson when he was two. Here are many, many pens and pencils—doubtful that many of the pens work. Here is a hair tie, a measuring tape, a needle nose pliers (see comment about Allen wrench), here is a peppermint candy made when George Washington was President.

Here is a random piece of wood, a green rock on which is written BE THE CHANGE. Here is a charging port, a squirt bottle to get after the cat when she scratches the dining room chairs. Or the rug. Or the sofa or the chaise longue. Or leaps on your plants and eats them. Which begs the question, I think you’ll agree, why don’t you try another method that actually works?

Here’s a penny. An emery board. A single AAA battery; wonder if it’s dead or alive. Here’s a piece of Bazooka bubble gum that feels like cement. A remote control for who knows what. Here’s a random note from your editor about a book you wrote three years ago. Here are a few buttons. Rabies tags for the dogs and the cat. An eyeglass repair kit. A wood finish stain marker that you have not now and probably never will use. A random piece of gingham fabric measuring about one inch by one inch. Hmm. Wonder what you could use THAT for?

Here are some salt and pepper packets. Here is a receipt from a restaurant dated 12/13/21.

Aw, here’s a little decorative bird. A barrette in the shape of a dragonfly. A lipstick. A Chapstick. Bobby pins. Also….what IS that? Catnip?

ANYWAY. My point is, if you would take the time to clear out some of this stuff, you would be ABLE to CLOSE me.

Me: Okay. Fine.

Reader, I did it. And a great weight has lifted. Well, a little weight. And I have learned to be careful what I say in front of my drawer. Because not only does it speak, it listens.