This is beautiful. And true. That’s always been my policy: if they ask, and I have it, I give it. What they do with it isn’t my business, even as I hope they put it towards food or a blanket or whatever. I knit socks. When I lived in NYC, I always carried some in my bag, rolled up, with money inside. Like $5. When someone asked for money, they got the cash inside a pair of hand knit socks. A good use of my yarn stash, I think. 💖
I parked my car on a street in Monterey CA to make a quick visit to the Aquarium there. The peace of the aquarium is a balm for my soul. When I parked in the cool rain I noticed a disheveled man sitting in a doorway with a paper cup in front of him. I spent an hour in the aquarium and purchased an expensive cup of mocha in a fancy reusable to go cup on my way out. On arriving to my car the rain had picked up and the man was still in place under the doorway overhang, about 2 feet of dry space. Recognizing my privilege with my fancy coffee I reached for a $20 and handed it to him, suggesting he get a warm cup of something. He cringed backwards initially as I approached him and apologized for taking up the space. He thought he was in my way to enter the door. When I gave him the money he smiled and blessed me. I entered my car and he stepped onto the sidewalk and began playing a flute like instrument in the rain with a look of happiness on his face. The moment has stuck with me since and this essay brought my experience back. Thank you for your lovely writing.
Thank you for how honestly you’ve shared your inner conversations. I’m certain we all have similar doubts about our action or inaction when it comes to people who may be in need. I read something a few years ago that truly helped me with my internal struggle. It basically said if your heart prompts you to give then do it. What the recipient does with your gift becomes their moral decision. You followed the voice of your spirit and gave with love. Since I’ve started doing this I’ve never doubted when I do give or felt guilty when I haven’t.
Wow, so many times I’ve walked by panhandlers and thought these very things. Sometimes I keep on walking, sometimes I give $20.00. But until the moment is before me, I don’t know why I respond the way I do. My son lives in NYC so there are so many people asking for money there and I asked him what he does…kind of the same as what I do. In Tucson where I visit annually there are even more homeless asking for money. Every time I see these folks my heart hurts and I wonder about their story. And another story that has stuck with me and bothered me for decades is different but related: about 30 years ago, a girl of about 12 that sometimes babysat for my 3 year old son, came by my door selling little beaded earrings she’d made. They weren’t very nice but they were cheap enough and I said “no thank you” to her. I soon regretted that decision. Yes, money was tight for my husband and myself back then and we did live pay check to pay check, but surely I could have given her $5.00, right? To this day I don’t understand what got in to me that day. Why didn’t I go to Jamie’s house later and buy some earrings? I’m a very generous person. I’m a crafter and sell stuff. I often spend lots of money to buy local art, art on Etsy, expensive veggies at the farmers market to support the local farmers…perhaps I’m over compensating for that blunder of many years ago that still makes me feel awful….
Amy, the fact that you are still bothered by this 3 decades later shows that you are definitely not an unkind person. We all have moments like this, perhaps because of being in a bad mood or any number of reasons. Forgive yourself for being human.
We lived 14 years in downtown Chicago and struggled with this early on. After a time, we realized that you give what you can and let go of how the money might be spent. One day when my husband was walking to his office near Union Station, he came upon a man with his belongings sitting in a quiet corner, not asking for anything. He approached him and asked if he needed anything. After buying him breakfast at McDonalds, they began what became a friendship that lasted several years-until our move west. During that time my husband took him to the SS office and got him a new card, then a library card and information on other services. Other times, boots or a new jacket and most weeks a bit of cash. During this time the man sometimes was hospitalized and eventually was able to find housing through an initiative the hospital had started to keep people healthier by finding them a place to live. The last we knew, we was doing a bit better. When we left the city, he called and said that he loved us and was thankful for everything. Another time my husband helped a young man who said he had been thrown out of his house due to alcohol addiction. He was very frightened and hadn't eaten in days. While buying him lunch, he told him that he was the only one who made him feel like a human being. Both of us carried a baggie with some cash, granola bars and a list of places to get help to give to people. There are so many stories out there and not for us to judge.
For more than a few years I was married to a practicing Muslim, and he solved my 'give or not give' dilemma for me. He said The Prophet demands that if a person asks for help we are to help that person--period, end of story. What the person does with that help is not our problem or responsibility. So if I have cash, I give it; if I don't have cash, then obviously I cannot give what I do not have--I will buy food on my debit card, if food is asked for. And no, I am by no means 'rich'.
There's a man with those signs who sits on a commercial corner in far West Aurora (read "wealthy neighborhood"). He or one of his cronies is always there, and 99% of the time I drive right past. There was a promotion going on at McDonald's about 100 yards away: buy one, get one. I did, and drove back over to "his" corner and handed the burger and chicken sandwich and a large iced tea out the window. He thanked me politely, and then I noticed the cooler he had been sitting on. He opened it and stuck my offerings inside with what looked like dozens of other full McDonald's, Taco Belle, and Burger King bags and drinks. Sigh... It's very hard not to judge. I've written a dozen scenarios in my mind about his possible intentions. I hope he shared.
I am assuming his sign wasn’t asking for junk food? So I wonder where your thoughts go when you question his intentions. What is someone to do who is “gifted” multiple meals he cannot possible eat? I am going to guess that, if he was storing them in a cooler, he planned to redistribute them somewhere. What else can he do with charity that he cannot use?
Thank you for sharing this. You stirred up a memory for me going back probably fifty five years. My Dad worked in Manhattan and used to take the bus from NJ into the Port Authority. He encountered many people asking for money as he went to and from his office. But one night he said he felt compelled to stop and talk with a woman inside the bus terminal. He sat down next to her and listened quietly to what she had to share about her current situation. He then reached in his wallet and gave her some money. He told me hadn't done that before but something about the way she looked caught his heart and he felt he just had to. Since then, I too look for that sort of divine inspiration to guide me when I feel I can or should be of service.
Many, many years ago, when I lived in downtown Boston, my friend and I were taking a nice day off and were shopping on Newbury Street. We stopped into a coffee shop and I ordered a large tea to go. As we walked down the street on this very cold day, a homeless woman said, “Must be nice to have a big hot coffee on a cold day.” I turned to her and told her it was tea. “Oh, I love tea” she said. So I told her she could have it as I hadn’t had any yet. She looked at me and asked what kind of tea it was. I told her Darjeeling. Then she asked if it had milk and sugar. “Of course” I said. And handed it to her. It was a very good reminder that those who are on the streets and downtrodden are humans, just like me. And they have a right to want what they want. We shouldn’t expect them to simply take our crumbs. I have never forgotten this lesson. I try to treat them all with kindness. If I do not have change, I tell them so. I respond. That’s the least we can do. Respond with kindness.
Thank you, Elizabeth. Forty years ago, when I was briefly in the Philippines, a man who had been kind to me told me he needed $50.00 to get a passport so he could go to Hawai'i and work. I did not give it to him. A couple of years ago I finally wrote about it, and I am glad I did; but I doubt I will ever forget how I was not kind or helpful to him. I could have afforded it, but I was afraid of being a sucker. Nevermore.
Thank you for articulating this so beautifully. I can't tell you the last time I cried but I have tears streaming down my face because you nailed the reality of this. I live in a major city, I've witness this many times, I've had these conversations about it. It's such an emotion-charged situation. I tend to look at it like your friend, if I'm asked for money I try to help with something. Post-pandemic I often don't carry cash which is restrictive in these circumstances.
This made me tear up... It is such a dilemma -- Do we give money out to people in need? -- Or not? So many points of view on this. I just want to give a bit... I just do.
Same here, except my city is small. Something Patricia Hampl wrote somewhere changed my interior monologue. "If someone asks, you give"--except I'm sure it was more eloquent. When I get tired of the same man at the same corner day after day, I remind myself that in nearly every kind of weather, there's unpleasantness, whether or not his sign is factually true, on top of the petrol fumes. There are all kinds of ways to be homeless and supporting grandchildren. On good days, I have a banana or a cookie to give him.
Isn’t it interesting how worried we get about getting scammed by poor people, yet we don’t seem to worry much at all about getting scammed by the rich. We would likely shrug if we bought a bad Amazon product, we get sucked into face creams and all sorts of stuff. The rich dodge taxes which is the community kitty, and on and on. But by and large we accept it. Tess Wilkinson-Ryan studies the sucker complex and it’s really worth a look or listen to help weed out the shame you might feel from following your own moral compass and giving to the poor. For me, it’s not altruism. I always give money or food from my grocery bags when I can because it’s the tax I pay to feel like I helped. That feeling is more valuable to me than the feeling of control I might get by refusing. I prefer to go about my day and subsequent months not thinking about the interaction again and if that costs me $10 then so be it.
This is beautiful. And true. That’s always been my policy: if they ask, and I have it, I give it. What they do with it isn’t my business, even as I hope they put it towards food or a blanket or whatever. I knit socks. When I lived in NYC, I always carried some in my bag, rolled up, with money inside. Like $5. When someone asked for money, they got the cash inside a pair of hand knit socks. A good use of my yarn stash, I think. 💖
I parked my car on a street in Monterey CA to make a quick visit to the Aquarium there. The peace of the aquarium is a balm for my soul. When I parked in the cool rain I noticed a disheveled man sitting in a doorway with a paper cup in front of him. I spent an hour in the aquarium and purchased an expensive cup of mocha in a fancy reusable to go cup on my way out. On arriving to my car the rain had picked up and the man was still in place under the doorway overhang, about 2 feet of dry space. Recognizing my privilege with my fancy coffee I reached for a $20 and handed it to him, suggesting he get a warm cup of something. He cringed backwards initially as I approached him and apologized for taking up the space. He thought he was in my way to enter the door. When I gave him the money he smiled and blessed me. I entered my car and he stepped onto the sidewalk and began playing a flute like instrument in the rain with a look of happiness on his face. The moment has stuck with me since and this essay brought my experience back. Thank you for your lovely writing.
Beautiful.
Love this comment. Thank you.
Thank you for how honestly you’ve shared your inner conversations. I’m certain we all have similar doubts about our action or inaction when it comes to people who may be in need. I read something a few years ago that truly helped me with my internal struggle. It basically said if your heart prompts you to give then do it. What the recipient does with your gift becomes their moral decision. You followed the voice of your spirit and gave with love. Since I’ve started doing this I’ve never doubted when I do give or felt guilty when I haven’t.
Thank you for this beautiful comment.
Wow, so many times I’ve walked by panhandlers and thought these very things. Sometimes I keep on walking, sometimes I give $20.00. But until the moment is before me, I don’t know why I respond the way I do. My son lives in NYC so there are so many people asking for money there and I asked him what he does…kind of the same as what I do. In Tucson where I visit annually there are even more homeless asking for money. Every time I see these folks my heart hurts and I wonder about their story. And another story that has stuck with me and bothered me for decades is different but related: about 30 years ago, a girl of about 12 that sometimes babysat for my 3 year old son, came by my door selling little beaded earrings she’d made. They weren’t very nice but they were cheap enough and I said “no thank you” to her. I soon regretted that decision. Yes, money was tight for my husband and myself back then and we did live pay check to pay check, but surely I could have given her $5.00, right? To this day I don’t understand what got in to me that day. Why didn’t I go to Jamie’s house later and buy some earrings? I’m a very generous person. I’m a crafter and sell stuff. I often spend lots of money to buy local art, art on Etsy, expensive veggies at the farmers market to support the local farmers…perhaps I’m over compensating for that blunder of many years ago that still makes me feel awful….
So moved by what you shared.
Thank you. I’ve never shared that story before. It’s just been a question in my head all these years…”why was I so unkind?”
Amy, the fact that you are still bothered by this 3 decades later shows that you are definitely not an unkind person. We all have moments like this, perhaps because of being in a bad mood or any number of reasons. Forgive yourself for being human.
We lived 14 years in downtown Chicago and struggled with this early on. After a time, we realized that you give what you can and let go of how the money might be spent. One day when my husband was walking to his office near Union Station, he came upon a man with his belongings sitting in a quiet corner, not asking for anything. He approached him and asked if he needed anything. After buying him breakfast at McDonalds, they began what became a friendship that lasted several years-until our move west. During that time my husband took him to the SS office and got him a new card, then a library card and information on other services. Other times, boots or a new jacket and most weeks a bit of cash. During this time the man sometimes was hospitalized and eventually was able to find housing through an initiative the hospital had started to keep people healthier by finding them a place to live. The last we knew, we was doing a bit better. When we left the city, he called and said that he loved us and was thankful for everything. Another time my husband helped a young man who said he had been thrown out of his house due to alcohol addiction. He was very frightened and hadn't eaten in days. While buying him lunch, he told him that he was the only one who made him feel like a human being. Both of us carried a baggie with some cash, granola bars and a list of places to get help to give to people. There are so many stories out there and not for us to judge.
Beautiful 💖
For more than a few years I was married to a practicing Muslim, and he solved my 'give or not give' dilemma for me. He said The Prophet demands that if a person asks for help we are to help that person--period, end of story. What the person does with that help is not our problem or responsibility. So if I have cash, I give it; if I don't have cash, then obviously I cannot give what I do not have--I will buy food on my debit card, if food is asked for. And no, I am by no means 'rich'.
There's a man with those signs who sits on a commercial corner in far West Aurora (read "wealthy neighborhood"). He or one of his cronies is always there, and 99% of the time I drive right past. There was a promotion going on at McDonald's about 100 yards away: buy one, get one. I did, and drove back over to "his" corner and handed the burger and chicken sandwich and a large iced tea out the window. He thanked me politely, and then I noticed the cooler he had been sitting on. He opened it and stuck my offerings inside with what looked like dozens of other full McDonald's, Taco Belle, and Burger King bags and drinks. Sigh... It's very hard not to judge. I've written a dozen scenarios in my mind about his possible intentions. I hope he shared.
I am assuming his sign wasn’t asking for junk food? So I wonder where your thoughts go when you question his intentions. What is someone to do who is “gifted” multiple meals he cannot possible eat? I am going to guess that, if he was storing them in a cooler, he planned to redistribute them somewhere. What else can he do with charity that he cannot use?
You know what they say about the word assume? I would respond more to this but I don't like your tone.
Thank you for sharing this. You stirred up a memory for me going back probably fifty five years. My Dad worked in Manhattan and used to take the bus from NJ into the Port Authority. He encountered many people asking for money as he went to and from his office. But one night he said he felt compelled to stop and talk with a woman inside the bus terminal. He sat down next to her and listened quietly to what she had to share about her current situation. He then reached in his wallet and gave her some money. He told me hadn't done that before but something about the way she looked caught his heart and he felt he just had to. Since then, I too look for that sort of divine inspiration to guide me when I feel I can or should be of service.
Many, many years ago, when I lived in downtown Boston, my friend and I were taking a nice day off and were shopping on Newbury Street. We stopped into a coffee shop and I ordered a large tea to go. As we walked down the street on this very cold day, a homeless woman said, “Must be nice to have a big hot coffee on a cold day.” I turned to her and told her it was tea. “Oh, I love tea” she said. So I told her she could have it as I hadn’t had any yet. She looked at me and asked what kind of tea it was. I told her Darjeeling. Then she asked if it had milk and sugar. “Of course” I said. And handed it to her. It was a very good reminder that those who are on the streets and downtrodden are humans, just like me. And they have a right to want what they want. We shouldn’t expect them to simply take our crumbs. I have never forgotten this lesson. I try to treat them all with kindness. If I do not have change, I tell them so. I respond. That’s the least we can do. Respond with kindness.
Thank you, Elizabeth. Forty years ago, when I was briefly in the Philippines, a man who had been kind to me told me he needed $50.00 to get a passport so he could go to Hawai'i and work. I did not give it to him. A couple of years ago I finally wrote about it, and I am glad I did; but I doubt I will ever forget how I was not kind or helpful to him. I could have afforded it, but I was afraid of being a sucker. Nevermore.
Thank you for articulating this so beautifully. I can't tell you the last time I cried but I have tears streaming down my face because you nailed the reality of this. I live in a major city, I've witness this many times, I've had these conversations about it. It's such an emotion-charged situation. I tend to look at it like your friend, if I'm asked for money I try to help with something. Post-pandemic I often don't carry cash which is restrictive in these circumstances.
This made me tear up... It is such a dilemma -- Do we give money out to people in need? -- Or not? So many points of view on this. I just want to give a bit... I just do.
Same here, except my city is small. Something Patricia Hampl wrote somewhere changed my interior monologue. "If someone asks, you give"--except I'm sure it was more eloquent. When I get tired of the same man at the same corner day after day, I remind myself that in nearly every kind of weather, there's unpleasantness, whether or not his sign is factually true, on top of the petrol fumes. There are all kinds of ways to be homeless and supporting grandchildren. On good days, I have a banana or a cookie to give him.
I currently live in Denver and struggle with this issue regularly. I like your friend’s advice to do what you can when you can.
Very thoughtful reflection! I could relate to you and your dilemma in many such situations.
Isn’t it interesting how worried we get about getting scammed by poor people, yet we don’t seem to worry much at all about getting scammed by the rich. We would likely shrug if we bought a bad Amazon product, we get sucked into face creams and all sorts of stuff. The rich dodge taxes which is the community kitty, and on and on. But by and large we accept it. Tess Wilkinson-Ryan studies the sucker complex and it’s really worth a look or listen to help weed out the shame you might feel from following your own moral compass and giving to the poor. For me, it’s not altruism. I always give money or food from my grocery bags when I can because it’s the tax I pay to feel like I helped. That feeling is more valuable to me than the feeling of control I might get by refusing. I prefer to go about my day and subsequent months not thinking about the interaction again and if that costs me $10 then so be it.